Drink and date responsibly.

Whoever said "all men age like fine wine" was grossly misinformed. While only a select few men are complex, intense, and structured enough for long-term bottle aging, one can still appreciate the wide variety of men present on this planet--regardless of your palate, be assured that there will be some varietal that will please your senses and your soul. Below we have some tasting notes of four common varietals found in urban vineyards around the world:


Mr. Pinot Grigio

• Tasting Notes: Mr. Grigio embodies the millennial dating philosophy of "expect nothing and you will never be disappointed." Easy on the eyes and on the palate, Mr. Grigio is most frequently spotted on midsummer Saturday evenings, wearing a cotton v-neck shirt and lining up for the latest hipster act in town. Marked by the light, albeit utterly forgettable, aromas of lemon, lime, and orange peel, he enjoys keeping conversation fun and easy-going, cracking politically-correct, self-deprecating jokes each time the conversation risks becoming too serious or awkward. Before you know it, you've already been chatting for four hours, had two pizza pit-stops, and danced to Bruno Mars at some random rooftop party. And yet, as dawn breaks, there is no pressure to keep in touch, no promises of "calling you back," no falling in love--just a pleasant souvenir of having met a nice boy, a memory that quickly dissipates once the stressful workweek resumes. 
• Suitable for:  Commitment-phobes, post-breakup rebounds 
• Drink by: Not suitable for aging. Drink immediately.

Mr. Champagne 

• Tasting Notes: Your mother, your protective older brother, your friends--they all warned you about meeting guys at nightclubs. But Mr. Champagne roared into the driveway in his silver Porsche, sauntered out in a crisp Armani suit, and ordered a table for eleven, and all the bubbles went straight to your head. Giddy with intoxication, you giggle as he whispers sweet nothings into your ear while the DJ plays some bass-ridden beats in the background. As the music culminates in chants of "put your hands up in the air," Mr. Champagne looks you in the eye and solemnly proclaims: "...And just this year my hedge fund's assets under management reached US$10 billion." Wow. So you put your hands up in the air like you just don't care--you're going to be a trophy wife with three thoroughbred horses and a personal chef, starting tonight. Unfortunately, the sparks only endure a couple hours, the euphoria replaced by a flat, acidic taste in your mouth once you spot Mr. Champagne flirting with another girl in a short dress across the dancefloor. 
• Suitable for: Fans of "players" and "bad boys", secret & non-so-secret gold-diggers 
• Drink by: Once opened, consume immediately. Imbibe with a sizable grain of salt. 

Mr. Barossa Valley Shiraz

• Tasting Notes: Mr. Shiraz is intense, bold, and mysterious. Years of toiling under the glaring Australian sun have led to his tanned, muscular frame, but what sweeps you away is not sight, but smell--beneath the deceptively jovial blackcurrant bouquet lies layers of complex, brooding, aromas: you sense tobacco, wet clay, smoked meat, black pepper...each additional scent a battle scar incurred from past disappointments and heartbreaks. You lose yourself in this labyrinth of odors, searching for clues: Who is he? What does he want? While on a date in an empty whisky bar, your conversation inevitably turns into a profound discussion of the need for God and the meaning of life. Alas, after his third glass of Scotch, he confesses in his rich, velvety baritone voice: "I have too much emotional baggage to be in a relationship right now." But what can you do? You are already drunk. Your senses overwhelmed, your emotions inundated, you allow his memory to linger just a while longer--for you know that everything after will just taste like water.
• Suitable for: Hopeless romantics, fans of "dark, brooding types" 
• Drink by: Store in a cool, dark place and drink when he is emotionally ready. 

Mr. Pauillac

• Tasting Notes: Ten years ago, you met Mr. Pauillac through a mutual friend, and you thought he was absolutely the most self-absorbed prick in the entire history of homo sapiens. He mentioned his Harvard degree not once, not twice, but thrice, and you felt personally attacked by his harsh, aggressive, socially conservative comments. But time works wonders. Ten years later, you serendipitously bump into him at a networking event, and you are pleasantly surprised by his transformation. Did you get older, or did he get wiser? His off-putting tannins have since mellowed into a smooth, courteous, and confident demeanor, emanating calming, masculine aromas of leather and cedar. His pride and acerbic wit still remain, but having been matured in experience and insight, now stand out in the sea of spineless sycophants at this event. You even detect a whiff of violets--could he possibly have developed a subtle elegance over all these years? (Well, he didn't mention Harvard this time around.) You are intrigued, captivated, rejuvenated. What an interesting, complex guy. 
• Suitable for:  Fans of the "Mr Darcy" archetype 
• Drink by: Ready now but will improve even more with age.