As the rise of Donald Trump, Rodrigo Duterte, and Theresa May have shown, the age of the gentleman is over. What do smart, suave, and sophisticated get you except compromises and non-binding multilateral treaties? The public has announced its preference for the brash strongman/woman, and with this comes a seismic sea change not only in international relations, but in romantic relations as well.
We therefore present to you four new dating strategies in our era of mistrust, isolationism, and alternative facts:
1. The "Fake News"
When confronted with unsatisfactory responses that contradict your worldview or deflate your ego, deny, deny, deny! Everyone obviously wants to date you and those who reject your awesome advances were hired by your rivals to undermine your eligibility.
2. The "Covfefe"
While the so-called "intellectuals" and "authorities" were hiding in their ivory towers, dictating rules and regulations to the public, you were out here in the real world making something of yourself. Who do these "experts" think they are, that they can arbitrarily determine proper word usage and behavioral norms? And thus "Covfefe" becomes your rebel yell--don't let Big Brother tell you what to do. You set the terms and conditions now. Late to your date? Covfefe. Dating ten people at once? Covfefe. Blatantly lied about your age? Covfefe. Refuse to backtrack on your statements and actions and soon enough, people will interpret your obstinance as confidence. And everyone likes a confident date.
3. The "Loser"
Humans are simple creatures. We understand, and take comfort in, binaries: black and white, night and day, left and right, heaven and hell. But what about nuanced arguments, complex character development, and conciliatory democracy, you ask? Well, good luck making a blockbuster out of that! Dichotomies give rise to clarity, and when faced with the faintest threat of romantic competition, embrace the "Loser" strategy and antagonize your opposition head-on. By creating hero/villain, winner/loser narratives, you paint a clearer picture for your date--in the zero-sum game of love, does he/she really want to risk it all with a potential good-for-nothing?
4. The "Ambiguous Affirmation"
This marketing maestro knows best--keep it catchy, hopeful, and vague. Promise nothing tangible and you won't be held accountable to anything tangible. Instead, shower your date with empty promises (not of the golden variety), elevator-music adjectives and first-person plural pronouns, assuring him/her that your future together will be bright, great, wonderful, fantastic....as the fable goes:
**Author's Note: Do I even have to disclose that you shouldn't actually follow any of these?
We therefore present to you four new dating strategies in our era of mistrust, isolationism, and alternative facts:
1. The "Fake News"
When confronted with unsatisfactory responses that contradict your worldview or deflate your ego, deny, deny, deny! Everyone obviously wants to date you and those who reject your awesome advances were hired by your rivals to undermine your eligibility.
2. The "Covfefe"
While the so-called "intellectuals" and "authorities" were hiding in their ivory towers, dictating rules and regulations to the public, you were out here in the real world making something of yourself. Who do these "experts" think they are, that they can arbitrarily determine proper word usage and behavioral norms? And thus "Covfefe" becomes your rebel yell--don't let Big Brother tell you what to do. You set the terms and conditions now. Late to your date? Covfefe. Dating ten people at once? Covfefe. Blatantly lied about your age? Covfefe. Refuse to backtrack on your statements and actions and soon enough, people will interpret your obstinance as confidence. And everyone likes a confident date.
3. The "Loser"
Humans are simple creatures. We understand, and take comfort in, binaries: black and white, night and day, left and right, heaven and hell. But what about nuanced arguments, complex character development, and conciliatory democracy, you ask? Well, good luck making a blockbuster out of that! Dichotomies give rise to clarity, and when faced with the faintest threat of romantic competition, embrace the "Loser" strategy and antagonize your opposition head-on. By creating hero/villain, winner/loser narratives, you paint a clearer picture for your date--in the zero-sum game of love, does he/she really want to risk it all with a potential good-for-nothing?
4. The "Ambiguous Affirmation"
This marketing maestro knows best--keep it catchy, hopeful, and vague. Promise nothing tangible and you won't be held accountable to anything tangible. Instead, shower your date with empty promises (not of the golden variety), elevator-music adjectives and first-person plural pronouns, assuring him/her that your future together will be bright, great, wonderful, fantastic....as the fable goes:
"Why are your statements so vague?" the Little Red Riding Hood asks.
"Ah, my dear Red," answers the Wolf, "So you can interpret whatever you desire from them."
**Author's Note: Do I even have to disclose that you shouldn't actually follow any of these?
